I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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