just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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