omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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