help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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