If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
