I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
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Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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