I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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