yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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