Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
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We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
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He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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