I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I had to cum in my sink.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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