You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Randomize
