I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize