marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
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I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
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And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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