i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
