is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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