Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
