Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
