Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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