I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
