What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
