Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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