Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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