did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
