The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
