Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
