dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
