I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
