I could make wine with my vomit
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
