he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
