did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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