im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She even gives head with a lisp.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
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