i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
