the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
