I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
