by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
