so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
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if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
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The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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