We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
