remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
