Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
