I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
