Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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