Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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