Your face is a jimmy john
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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