Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
