I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
