My Higher Power is John Stamos
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
