That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
