3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
