A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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