But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
