I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
