either way he was missing a nipple.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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