I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
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If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
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Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
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