u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
