Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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