Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
