Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
