How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
