well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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