Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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